The FriendZone (Verse 1)

offpic.jpgAll was quiet. The wind was the only thing being heard and all eyes were cast behind from where a figure was supposed to emanate. No one dared to move an inch. Everyone’s breath was held up as they waited in anticipation for the arrival of their master on what further actions to take. One of their members had just been inflicted with what is now the deadliest killer syndromes. He had to be given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation in order to come back to life for he literally collapsed when inflicted. In protest, they had worn black armbands over army-like uniforms.

After 13 seconds of watching through ‘empty space’, sounds of footsteps is heard. It echoed through the silent air sending shivers through the spine of the ants on the floor, for the shiny boots trampled upon them, and killing a few. All faces now faced forward with serious looks of anger, communicating the exact message their master wanted to see from them.

Now, he stands before them, ready to give the ‘speech of the century’, flanked to the left by his reliable and able lieutenant. This is a very serious issue and he means business. No Joke. His face became as straight as a line parallel to another straight line. With his tiny voice, he said:

“Comrades, we have heard that one of our able generals has been injured when he went into battle against an aged foe, a foe we meet daily to plan against. We have reliable intelligence that he is currently recovering in all aspects of his health and has currently locked himself in his bedroom whiles receiving self-treatment in his mother’s house. Be rest assured that, we have all things under control and will provide you with further information once his tears run dry. Lieutenant, please remind them who this foe is again, so they know what we are really up against.”

The lieutenant now takes centre stage, moving up and down with the happiness that communicates we-told-you-so kind of thing. He had his left hand in his pocket, with his stomach protruding slightly and forming an arc away from its point of origin. His slim nature made the ‘slightly’ look ‘gargantuan’ and it was for this reason they called him The ‘Arc’ Angel. A name that he thought meant he was superior to the rest of them. He began:

“The enemy we fight against gets complex by the day. It has no mercy for princes or kings. It has been around before the time of our fathers and their fathers’ fathers. Today it has touched one of our own, and it has bitten more than it chew. Ortega! What’s is the name of this enemy I speak of?” He yelled.

Ortega [rising to attention to answer the question]: The Friend Zone.

Arc Angel: And what is it?

Ortega: It is a psychological reality that, first, arrests the mind of the victim and inflicts signs and symptoms of emotional disorder within the first three hours before, during, or after proposing to a lady which can lead to a lifetime of serious psychosomatic displays. If symptoms persist after three days, one must immediately consult an expert in this rarely studied field of academia. However, it is important to refer to a study conducted by one ‘Major General’ Awuku Larbi over a population of carefully selected girls from the Akuapem-Togo Ranges in sub-Saharan Africa, that, although ladies themselves can be victims, they are the carriers of this deadly syndrome which male scientists around the world are anxiously finding an antidote to, with some even being infected in the process.

Now this was followed by a round of applause so raucous yet brief. The master took over as if the applause were for him, standing there proudly, still with his straight face. Taking centre stage, he said:

“Verily, verily I say unto you, not all who say to a lady that ‘I love you, I love you’ will be absorbed into the kingdom of her heart. For many have proposed but few will be selected from which only one will be chosen. Because it is a million times easier for a camel to fall into a hole dug by an ant than it is for a lady to fall in love with those in the Friend Zone but then never lose hope. For the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am here to guide you. The Friend Zone has just declared war by touching one of our generals and we shall reply in equal measure, pressed down, and shaken together till it runs.”

His followers began cheering and hailing as if they have been gingered for war against the Amalekites in ancient times.

He was a short, fat boy, leading an ‘army’ of grown men lost in the world of love. If love were a real war fought with guns and ammunition, then they would have been to many and gotten back with various degrees of injuries. His name is Bossu.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away from these group of lost men, a young lad by name Jason attempts to take his chances with Brenda, his long-time crush. He has used months of anxious planning to reach this far.

Candles lighted the pathway from the entrance of the house through the living room to the dining hall. At the dining hall, he had lit different colours of candles hidden under different colours of transparent glass covers which threw an artificial rainbow across the room. It was as though angels from above brought divine visitation holding precious pearls in their hands which illuminated the space they occupied. But the one next to him was finer than any angel he had heard off or seen in his dreams.

“Damn…..You so fine” he heard himself say when he let her through the door.

She just smiled at him, showing her white teeth which was intact and a diastema which previously was hidden under those lips glossed with red lipstick to match the red dress she was wearing. Her hair was sleek and black showing evidence of rich and expensive hair treatment. Call her Brenda Papabi of the House Slay Queens, First of Her Name, the Untouchable, Daughter of a Boss Chick, an Epitome of Beauty, and Possessor of Very Fine Looks capable of making a Chief Priest say Praise the Lord instead of Hallelujah.

He advised himself to take it on a ‘low tempo’ and not to rush it but he had the urge to take his chance now. They sipped red wine from gold cups made from gold extracted from the gold ores in the Middle East. He had carefully selected the songs which played in the house. He had been advised to play love songs from the 90’s only, following consultation with some ‘love doctors’.

He cleared his throat. The temperature in the room seems to rising for him. The feeling was getting awkward but Brenda kept smiling pretending not to know what was coming.

Jason [with some courage and mixed feelings and some fumbling]: Errmm…Brenda…I…uuhm…eerm…I have something to tell you. Something I haven’t been able to say for a while now. Please give me an ear with an open heart.

As he said these words, tears were held up in left eye and his voice quivered with which he grabbed her left hand looking straight into those sparkling eyes of hers.

There noorr Brenda said “Oh BROTHER Jason, please don’t make me feel shy.”

And that was when he realised, he could be entering the ZONE of no return.

To be continued…

A Verse by Kotey.

Good morning.


Thanks for reading. Verse 2 will be published next week. Don’t forget to kindly leave your comments and feedback. Also like and share.

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