Sorry it has taken me two weeks to update you. It wasn’t my fault. The things that were happening were too much for me to avoid. In fact, you won’t believe what happened when the ‘renowned’ counselor, Counselor Lutherodt, stepped in to ‘salvage’ the situation.
Oh my God, it was like I have been set up as a character in one of the soap operas.
On the night I called him, he arrived with a Uber and told the driver that I will be the one to pay. Just like that. I asked myself “Did I call him here to pay his fare or I brought him here to offer counselling?” But I no bore. I wired some GHC 150 from my mobile money account to the driver who left smiling.
So he sat down and placed his briefcase on the dining table (He literally had to ask my wife for dinner, before asking for water. Thank God we still had some leftovers from the wedding in the freezer. We just microwaved some for him). He puled out a whole bulk of files claiming these were similar cases he had handled before and would solve it under one minute. But first he…….hold on for one minute.
All of a sudden I could hear some ‘kukrukukru’ in our bedroom. Saa naa my wife’s mother, my mother in-law, had gone inside and is unpacking her stuff from her suitcase. she was like “So you think I need counselling eh? Afei na ma be wɔ so ama wo.”
Then Counselor Lutherodt also lifted his voice and casted his eyes unto the heavens from where cometh his ‘help’ and said “Father, this ‘Jezebelic’ attitude of a nagging mother in-law must be dipped into the two gallons of sulfuric acid and rolled down the hills of Mt Kilimanjaro.” Then he looked at her and said “Woman, were you the one that got married? Stop behaving like you’ve been possessed.” The room became dead silent, and my wife chuckled, trying to suppress her laughter.
Next he said “Brother, now you have to pick a form for GHC100 and then settle the consultation fee of GHC200.” So I was like “Ah, did I bring you here to solve my problems or to become a financial burden?”. Him: “My friend pay the thing and stop behaving like a Fante, only my fante clients are that selfish.”
After settling the initial requirement, he then asked me to narrate my ordeal. It took me 2 minutes and 30 seconds for me to finish. Then he turned to my wife’s mother, my mother in-law, and asked her to narrate her side of the story. It took her 1 hour 15 minutes and 33 seconds. By the time she was done, I didn’t even remember the first thing she said.
Then he brought out holy water that he claimed he got from Israel mixed with oil made from a fig tree where Christ’s tomb laid open. Then he asked my mother in-law and I to kneel down and raise our hands for a special baptism. He then sprinkled this on us from head to toe. In the end, I started smelling like befloaf. Just then he started to sing Shatta Wale’s “Taking Over” like a gospel worship song. I had to open one eye to see if he was serious.
After few moments of being in the ‘spirit’ he then came down to earth and began to do what I paid him to do.
Counselor Lutherodt [to me]: Man, stop behaving like an uncircumcised Philistine wate [My jaw dropped!]. If your mother in-law is here, what shows you can’t be with your wife? See how big the house is. And you woman [Pointing to my mother in-law], I have known from experience that Ewe women in their stages of menopause act this way. But you are a rare case and that surprises me. Moreover, such a strong-looking man has not shown any sign of erectile dysfunction or low sperm count. Now please lets all move to the bedroom.
Then he went on to do something my mind couldn’t imagine. He wanted us to act it out before him. He made my wife and I lay in bed. Yes, he wanted us to get ‘busy’ before him and my mother in-law. Can you imagine? You should have seen how my mother in-law was happy laughing. Next, he then turned the lights off himself and said “3…2…1…lights…action!”
He actually turned on the lights.
Then my wife and I said in unison, with our eyes staring at ceiling “Ao Ewuradzi, na bɔni bɛn?
PS: Sorry I had to cut it short and end it here. But I promise more interesting Verses for the times ahead. Great to have you always reading them.
With much love,